The Lord’s Prayer
Mixed emotions today.
Jenny and Eric had Melody christened which took 5 minutes out of the 1hr 10mins I had to sit through for the rest of the ‘normal Sunday service’. I spent, along with Dan’s cousin, most of the time in fits of giggles be it through the way the Priest was singing or the words in the hymns and when I told a friend they said it was really disrespectful. To that I simply replied ‘if ‘God’ in his infinite wisdom respected me he wouldn’t have given me depression at the age of 13; therefore I will not respect him’. Some would say it was hypocritical for me to even stand inside the walls of God’s House and sing the Lord’s prayer but in today’s society, I would imagine that that hypocrisy would account for 75% of the population.
Some may say that God giving me depression is a test but a test of what? My strength? My weaknesses? Endless questions but never an answer. I’m not saying that believing is wrong but I refuse to believe in something that causes so much pain and suffering to people all over the world. I often thought, at the beginning of my depression, that ‘better I have all the suffering than someone else’ and to a certain degree, I still favour this thought. Knowing what I have been through and what I may go through, I strongly agree that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy but does that mean that I deserved this instead of someone else? Did He pick me at random or was I chosen? Again, endless questions but never an answer.
So I left church today, the smiling, dutiful girlfriend all the while wondering why I should be singing the praises of God when he has done nothing but sing my sorrow.
In other news, I’m off to Washington DC tomorrow for a week to visit Jekyll and Hyde. His mother has died and whilst I detested her, I care about my father so am flying out to help him pack up her stuff and spruse up the apartment before he sells it on. Dan’s staying here which I’m nervous about but secretly pleased. I haven’t had this much time to myself in almost 5 years and whilst I’ll have to take my father into consideration, in essence I am free to think for myself, do what I please and talk to whoever I want without the fear of repurcussions. I may be too busy cleaning and sunbathing to get on here but I’ll try my best. If I can’t, have a good week and don’t drink too many martinis.
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