My First Real Post
If I’m going to post about secrets, I guess my first real post should be a secret of mine, a big secret, so here goes…
Whilst I love Dan, I am in love with The One. Always have been and always will probably because we had such a horrible ending which left me with the age old conundrum of ‘what if?’. No one knows I still love The One and would probably say I am simply hurting myself by loving something that I can’t have but I can’t help the way I feel. Kati only has to mention his name in conversation and my heart aches for him. I sometimes wonder if I have ever loved Dan at all or if I simply ’settled’ when I was so alone and needed comfort and affection. That sounds so cruel putting it down on paper so to speak but on days when I’m down and question my life, that is often the $64,000 question. I am not saying I don’t love Dan, or don’t treat him with respect and give him the love and affection he deserves, I just sometimes feel like a robot saying ‘I love you’ out of habit.
I don’t think The One and I ever had a chance to start with because of outside forces but the fact that it ended so abruptly shook me to the core and effects my relationship with Dan even now. I’ll explain how we got together: we both worked in a pizza joint to make some extra money, ‘got together’ within about 2 weeks (though it felt like a lifetime) and within a week we had confessed we loved each other and had never felt this way about anyone before. This was in September and we were already planning Thanksgiving and Christmas together going shopping; by the beginning of November it had ended. So why, you ask, haven’t I got over him especially since we were only together a matter of weeks? Because knowing we both felt so strongly about each other and were planning a future together, us breaking up knocked me for a six and I never got, as we all love to say, ‘closure’. On a bad day, when I’m really down and I allow myself to think about him, I can be reduced to inconsolable tears.
He had suffered severe depression in the past and knew I had too and unfortunately for the pair of us, I was going through a particularly bad time in my life and would often find myself in tears. He told me to tell him how I felt because he had been through it and was amazed and how brave I had been to cope by myself. Then one night he came home and told me he couldn’t deal with my depression anymore and that he was leaving. He broke my heart that night and it sounds like such a cliche, but I have never been able to mend it since. People say they get over it and I think, if there are problems that you are aware of deep down, yes you can have a completely clean break and get over each other but I don’t think either of us has been the same since. He took the piece of my heart that he belonged to and I haven’t had the courage to tell myself to get it back yet.
So there you go ladies and gentleman, you have just been privelaged enough to witness my first real secret; a secret I have not been happy to reveal even to myself before tonight.
Related Posts:
