( ‘you excite me, part one’ for all you lazy ass people )

Bonjour!

What a long weekend – I feel like Sleeping Beauty at the moment…if I went to sleep, nothing would be able to wake me up…apart from a hot guy that is and my god were there some hot guys in Paris; I fell in love about 4 times a day!

Vanessa and I got to the airport ok and met her friend Jen who had come from London (as she is working a year abroad) and met Cath (who is currently living in France…jealous? Moi?) at the hotel. Four single girls in Paris? Do I hear the words ‘trouble’ and ‘hell yeah’ in the same sentence?!

Saturday was a blur of blissful sunshine, amazing sights and a shit load of walking (I’m not kidding people…roughly 8 miles a day after a 13 mile walk the weekend before – wtf was I thinking?!). We started at the Eiffel Tower before catching a Batobus (water bus) along to the Notre Dame (it’s EXACTLY how it looks in the Disney film). Now I’m not a religious girl but the cathedral really affected me. It was immensely busy and yet eerily quiet inside and all you could hear was the choir chanting (think sounds of historic Monks in churches). I sat in one of the pews and found myself with tears running down my face and I don’t even know why; was so bizarre and comforting at the same time.

 HAVING TECH PROBLEMS WITH MY PICS – I’M SORTING IT OUT AS WE SPEAK!

Next we hopped on over to the Louvre museum and saw Mona Lisa for a quick chat and a bite to eat lol. Seriously though, you should have seen the security surrounding her. Then, as we came out of the Louvre, we saw this view……

 HAVING TECH PROBLEMS WITH MY PICS – I’M SORTING IT OUT AS WE SPEAK!

Now, stupidly, Vanessa saw this view and decided that it wouldn’t take too long to walk to the Arc di Triomphe at the end. I went to Paris 2 years ago with Dan and had done this walk before so tried to warn her that it would take about 45 minutes to walk it but ignoring my advice we walked and sure enough she moaned – bless her.

By the time we had arrived at the Arc di Triomphe we were hot, sweaty, chaffing like mad and soooo not elegant Parisian ladies. However, we all perked up when we saw this…

HAVING TECH PROBLEMS WITH MY PICS – I’M SORTING IT OUT AS WE SPEAK!

There was a memorial service on the actual island so we didn’t go over and watch but the view from where we were was amazing; I wanted to exclaim ‘Tu m’excitez’ as I thought it meant excited but the literal translation basically means ‘you get me hot and sweaty, let’s get down and dirty’ (ok, not the exact literal translation but you get my meaning) so I figured that a foreigner telling a French armed guard that they get her horny might not go down so well, no?

After that we headed back to our hotel for some much-needed R&R, a cool shower and a lie down before dolling ourselves up and heading back out to dinner. We decided to go to St Germain di Pres which is the place to be if you want to rub shoulders with Parisians and enjoy some serious fine dining! We had a blast chuckling over silly ‘in-jokes’ and going over our adventures of the day and planning more adventures for the next.

Cath was my roomie for the night and we stayed up talking until about 2am until she fell asleep. I, however, spent most of the night desperately trying to get to sleep but couldn’t stop thinking about Tom, Dan and everything else in between – what a joy killer.

Anyhow, this post is long enough already…more adventures of ‘tu m’excitez’ men, sex museums and cemeteries to follow (random isn’t it?!)

Until next time…

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Just thought I would stop by and tell you that I won’t be on here for about 5 days or so as my friend and I are off to Paris.  I completely forgot we had arranged it for this weekend (hence the reason I have no guest posters) so it came as a shock when she reminded me.  I guess the escape couldn’t have come at a better time though my friend, as much as I love her, is hard to be around 24/7 as she’s so hyper and being in the mood I’m currently in.  Imagine a yapping Chihuahua high on sugar and you have Vanessa lol.

In all the drama over Tom I forgot to tell you that I completed my half-marathon at the weekend.  Annie Sue and I were in the second group of the evening with approximately 250 women 30 minutes ahead of us.  Not only did we do the walk (if I haven’t mentioned before it was a walking half-marathon) in 3hr 45 mins but we came in the Top 50 over taking about 200 other women!!  We are so pleased with ourselves and proud of each other; we had a great time and I’ll do it next year too!  Although the blisters, the size of saucers I have, might have something to say about that!

And how do I feel?  Hmmmm.  Well I’m barely sleeping so look like death personified and I’ve barely eaten since Sunday so all in all, not that great.  I know I’ll get over Tom and it’ll only serve to make me stronger but for now, it really fucking hurts.  I know; how melodramatic of me it is to be upset over a guy I’d never even met but I’m not even sure it’s all about Tom anymore either though he makes up most of it.  I think it’s just a combination of everything…delayed grieving for my relationship, the realization that my friends have left, the uncertainty that my life now has; everything.

I guess Karma really is a bitch isn’t it?!  I broke Dan’s  heart so a little ‘universal payback’ in the form of Tom was no doubt due. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas once said that her drug addiction was the hardest boyfriend to break up with; I think I can apply the same to depression.

Until next time…(how do you say that in French?!)

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Over recent days on the odd occasions I actually found time to stop and take a breather I thought about what my first couple of posts should be about.  Should I come back all humorous acting like nothing happened, pour my heart out (Bold and Beautiful style) or hit somewhere in the middle with a contemplating tone; I chose the last.

Whilst clearing out the crap from my untouched room (seriously, last touched when I was 18 just before I moved out), putting my new treasured possessions away and speaking to friends and family after the break up, I realised that there were some valuable lessons learnt so though I would share them with you over the next couple of posts.  Here goes:

Lesson 1: I have not failed.

When cleaning out my stuff I found some old school reports from between the ages of 4-14 and there was a serious pattern throughout; I was brilliant!  Well, okay, I wouldn’t go that far but I was a certainly a Grade A student who put in the effort, was liked by everyone and a ‘pleasure to teach’.  So I wondered how I got from that to being so tired from my pizza joint job I was ‘asked to leave’ college, barely passed my exams (and had to re-take a couple) and didn’t go to University despite it being a dream.  I realised that my depression had hit the self-destruct button and felt a failure that I didn’t have letters after my name at my age.  But after some thinking I realised I am NOT a failure at all.  I have conquered more self-belief/confidence, strength and life skills in these 9 years of depression than anything University could have taught me.  And guess what?  I’m still only 22 (23 in a month ugh) and I have my whole life ahead of me to do what I want!

Lesson 2:  I can have fun with my family.

Over the past week or so since the split (and a little before once I’d come to terms with the fact we were ending) I have spent time with family members and friends I don’t normally see and I’ve had fun.  Yes, it is possible to put the words ‘fun’ and ‘family’ in the sentence!  For years I was always too old for my age but too young for the family and never felt like I fitted in; well, no more.  I have lived as a fully-fledged adult with bills, cooking and cleaning (god I sound like a 1950s housewife) and I think that not only has that caused me to grow up but also gained me a lot of respect amongst my family that I held it together with virtually no help despite Dan being made redundant twice.  I cracked jokes they laughed at, held ‘adult conversations’ and explained my life plans and they actually listened.  Despite not believing it, I had fun with them and hearing through the grapevine they were all pleasantly surprised but how much they enjoyed themselves too!

Lesson 3/4 and 5 will be in the next post – thought that was enough learning for one day.  Besides, I STILL haven’t finished sorting my room out i.e. taking crap out, putting crap back in and buying new furniture…I can’t WAIT for the ‘buying furniture bit’ – I’ll be doing some serious shopping that day.  I mean, I haven’t even got my own TV – tragic I know.

Well, until next time…

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So, my chapter of life with Dan is now over.  Whilst we are attempting to remain best friends I understand that it will be difficult to begin with.  He has all his friends around him now which means I have none as all my friends were actually his.  I’m feeling hurt and jealous by this but I will have to get over it – he deserves the friends more than I do at this point in time.

I haven’t felt this depressed or been in so much pain since I was about 18 and forgot how much your emotions can hurt you.  However, after the initial couple of days and leaving my keys in the apartment, I have come to terms with the fact that what I did was right.  He deserves someone who loves him with all their heart and as he said to me, at least I am not leaving him for someone else.

I’d rather not talk about the night I told him but I will say that we spent a final night together falling asleep in each other’s arms and it was wonderful.  I have hurt the man I love and cannot, at the moment, find it in my heart to forgive myself but I’ll get there. 

One day at a time Serena, one day at a time.

Until next time…

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I can’t write anymore – it’s still too raw.  If it’s ok with you guys I’ll take a week off from here?  I can’t cope trying to be humerous whilst ‘grieving’ for my relationship.

Until next time x

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So I stayed, for now (mainly because of guilt realising what I was doing to him) and then last night ended up going out to dinner with him, Eleanor and Bee to a ‘psychic dinner’ which was a meal and a reading (don’t ask how I get myself into these situations, I just do).  Well, if I was unsure about leaving Dan at the start of the meal, I wasn’t by the end of it because the psychic knew exactly what was going on!

He first went to Eleanor and told her a couple of interesting things which were pretty accurate then to Bee and a little about my things and then he started talking to Dan…big mistake!  He confirmed a few things about Dan’s job and told him to be careful about a recent remark (which we interpretated as one of his reviews) which was all pretty cool and then he mentioned a ‘situation’ and that was the beginning of the end.  He told him that he was seriously unhappy in a situation and that he felt very lonely and trapped to which Dan kept nodding to (meanwhile looking like he was going to start crying at any point) and said ‘you know what I’m talking about don’t you…I won’t tell you the rest’.  And then the psychic looked right at me and said ‘you’re seriously unhappy too aren’t you?  You know what I’m talking about’ to which I nodded.  And then said to me ‘give me $50 and I won’t say anything else’ at which point I was completely freaking out and myself, Eleanor and Bee were all sharing darting glances at each other because we knew exactly what was going on.  And to top it all off, after this extremely uncomfortable part of the reading, his next topic of point was that ‘someone will be moving homes in the near future’; well, ladies and gentleman, after the final nail had been hammered right into the coffin, the psychic upped and left, thanking us for his time and the rest of us carried on our conversation, all pretending like we hadn’t heard or understood what he had just told us.

So for the rest of the night, even after Dan and I got home we carried on talking about everything else, watched TV in silence and went to bed barely saying another word to each other.

I’m planning to leave him this Sunday for definite.  He’s at work all day and I have chance to clear out everything from the apartment and make, as clean a getaway as possible; I will leave him; the psychic told me to do it.

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