The love car is broken
Feel like crap today. Miss J and I have been talking about my situation with Dan through our many e-mails (I do work at work I promise) and she finally turned around today and said ‘don’t you think it’s a bit mean stringing him along like this’ and as soon as I read that I had this huge urge that I was going to be violently ill.
It wasn’t the fact that she said that to me which upset me it was the fact that it was there in black and white. That yes I may talk about a new life and ending things with Dan but I’m actually going to have to stop talking about it at some point and do it. Sit him down, tell him I’ve had a lovely 4 years together but that I’m walking away from our relationship, our home and our life together.
He is a lovely man, treats me like a princess and would give me his last penny if it made me happy so why aren’t I? Why can’t that/him make me happy enough to stay and why do I want ‘more’?
Dan is my best friend there is no question about that and the thought of not cuddling each other in bed or watching films on the sofa together is tearing me up. How can I walk away from, what feels like, a four year marriage when to the outside world we are ‘perfect’ for each other. Even when Dan and I had only been together for a year, The Dutchess was already talking about our marriage and our friends had thought of colour schemes for our ‘wedding’.
So I spent this morning sitting at my desk, tears streaming down my face pretending to the world that I was ‘fine’ and that there was ‘nothing wrong’ when everything is not fine and there is something wrong.
Love is an amazing journey and whilst for the most part Dan and I have travelled safely, there have been some big bumps we’ve had to get over but the car we’ve used is now irreparable and I’m afraid all that is left is scrap metal.
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I think you’re doing the right thing, you can’t string it out for ever! Hoever hard, you’re better off sorting things sooner than later. Good luck! x
Love the metaphor. As painful as it is, if you’re having these feelings it is the right thing… for BOTH of you. After all, it isn’t fair to him… though he may blame you at first, eventually he will arrive at the day when he thanks you to have the strength necessary to break it off. Best of luck, darlin…
Lilu / Jen – I know in my head it’s the right thing to do; I’m just waiting for the heart to catch up and it’s nearly there. I’m coming to terms with the fact that we’ll be ending soon. x